Iam yahuah

Growing up multi racial was hard enough when at the age of 5 I sat there in wondered why i was the only one in the house called the “N” word.  My mother was a prostitute but even as a baby I knew she was my world.  She gave up on me at the age of four and i was in different foster homes until my cousin got me.

I was to much to handle cause I was afraid of the dark, at night I stood by her door and cried for hours until I realized she wasn’t coming.  There I would be alone in the dark,”I thought to myself ill probably be safer if I didn’t make so much noise then no one could hear me.”  After awhile she gave up on me to and then my great grandmother sent for me this is when i realized that niger was a word that would only be used for me ….

And even though I hated it I never understood at that age how special i was to our heavenly father. There was alot of us in one home my great grandfather was a veteran; he had a purple heart and he made my childhood memories so bright during the night I slept beside him. I would have to get out bed to help him pee because half of his body was paralyzed. In the morning before school he’d drive me on his handicap chair for doughnuts and then go on his way. After school we’d collect cans together it was our hobby and his speech was hard to understand but i knew what he was saying half the time. He always needed my help to bath to get in his seat in I was always there happily helping him. My cousin would snatch his cane in hit him in id be there fighting to help him but i was to small to fight so i wouldn’t win but it worked cause then she’d attack me instead of him i always waited for my mother she never came I never got the family I always dreamed of or hoped for. Granny made us go to church every Sunday and when i heard the pastor say nothing is impossible for you. I always prayed but then maybe something was missing something i didn’t know.

After my great grandpop passed I left and called my cps worker to come get me cause apart of me was missing I felt helpless.

Then my aunt came and I never had a birthday party never had a good xmas i was always forced to clean after everyone and on xmas my aunts kids had better nicer things then me i got one pair shoes to last the whole school year, if I was lucky i always felt used. So my aunt eventually gave up on me.   Then my grandma came got me in by then i was taught to steal for what i want in need grown adults encouraged me to steal as long as they got nice things too.

I was 16 and my mother still didn’t come apart of me didn’t care as much.  One day i got caught stealing from kohls and the police officer in kern county Mr. Rodriguez looked at me in said,” I HATE PPL LIKE YOU.” and I said, “You don’t know me you don’t know what i been through and its not your job to judge me. He said back, “It is my job to judge you.” In i said back “It’s your job to arrest me cause I committed a crime but not to judge me.”  As he put me in police car I started talking to yah(jesus) this is what i said heavenly Father I been worshipping yoh my whole life and my life has been nothing but pain and burdens.  I see people in this world that don’t worship you and have everything while I Have nothing. What if the little good that I’ve experienced in life was just meant in didn’t have anything to do with you. I asked god if your real let that officer see he was wrong, let him feel my pain so then he’d understand how it feels to be out in a world and feel so alone. With family who are out for there self. I said Jesus if your real let this car crash I want to die, I don’t want live anymore. I been worshipping you I don’t even know if you exist I never seen you, my mom never came, I said if this car don’t crash know ill never believe in you ever again. Thats was the day yah revealed himself to me instantly and I yelled I’m sorry father please don’t let me die i will never stop believing in you the car was spinning so fast i looked up in seen a diesel coming i thought my life was over but yah saved the best for last as I was transferred to the hospital and as I lay in the hospital bed the police came in he said I’m sorry for what I said to you….this is how I know our father in heaven is real when Adam and eve ate the apple the received knowledge you see it was not intended for us to know or understand everything I think.

What’s most important is how we feel in the love we share; may yah bless and save his children luv jess